Week 12- Blended Families

So this week, Brother Williams had his wife come in and they answered any questions we had about blended families. I found this very interesting. They talked about some of the best ways to blend a family, and some of the challenges. The question I asked, about the differences between blending divorced families and blending widowed (or widower-ed) families helped me to understand my grama's relationship with her step-father a little better. My grandma lost her father and brother in a fishing accident when she was 16. Her mom eventually remarried, and to this day, 61 years later, she still talks about Art with a sneer in her voice.  Granted, Art was kind of a scum bag, but I wonder if my grandma, mom and uncles would think differently about him if her mom had just gotten divorced instead of widowed. I love learning things like this, that make sense of the things in my life.

Week 11- Parenting

So, I have actually been taking a parenting class along with this class, and I have to say, I love it. The whole idea of active parenting, or parenting that is more about meeting the needs of the child than controlling the behavior of the child is parenting that raises children that are prepared for the world. Alfie Kohn, a well respected authority on child development, parenting, and education, says that the best way to prepare children for the so called "real world" is to raise them in an environment where they don't feel ignored or controlled.  This doesn't mean give your kids free reign, it means give them choices, make them know that they are heard, and meet their needs- not just biological, but emotional and psychological. Children are all too often disrespected in our culture, and I feel that is a great problem for our society. The more we respect children, and give them a reasonable amount of control over their lives, the better they will turn out. Simple as that.

Week 10- Working Mothers

So last week, before we left for thanksgiving break, we talked about the effect that working mothers have on the family and society. I found it interesting that upon deeper reflection, even the positives that the book found for the children of working mothers were not in actuality positives but signs of a problematic home life.

For example, the book states that all things being equal (things like a higher income overall for families with stay at home moms, individual temperaments of children, etc.) four year old children of working moms showed less hyperactivity, more prosocial activity, and less anxiety of the children of nonworking moms. These may sound like good things at first glance, but if you know anything about the development of children,  these are actually bad things.

First, four year olds should be hyperactive, it is a good thing, and at that stage in their development, they need to be, it helps with their development both physical and cognitive.

Second, the fact that those children are more prosocial, may be an indication that they are seeking to form attachments to others as they might not have a warm loving relationship with their parents, since both parents would understandably be exhausted after a long work day, and having to come home and get all the chores and meals done. These parents might not have time to be patient and loving to their children, who are more than likely wound up since mommy and daddy are finally home. So, for the child to develop healthily, they need to form attachments to others.

Third, less anxiety is also not necessarily a good thing. If a child is used to being left by mom or dad, they might take that as a norm. Children need structure, they thrive on it, so when they become passive about changes, it can be a warning sign.

Basically, working moms aren't good for the family or society. You can work around this if you have a flexible work from home schedule, but, overall, it isn't very good for a healthy family environment.

Week 9- Family Council

So Friday in class, we talked about how the Presidency and the Twelve counsel weekly. I thought it would be something that could really help with my family, to have a family counsel every week. In class we talked about how the Presidency and the Twelve  first, meet in a set time at a set place. I think that it would be really cool to incorporate that into my future families life. Another thing that they to is to express love and concern before doing anything else. I want to do this with my family as it will bring in a Spirit of love and cooperation and appreciation. This will lead to a better setting in which the Spirit can dwell. They then say a prayer to invite the Spirit, which I also plan to do in my future family counsel, to invite the spirit. After that, they discuss the problem or issue and go around, with the Prophet suggesting what they would like to see happen, and pass it down asking everyone if they agree or have any impressions about the problem. I also plan to do this as I feel it would be the best way for each family member to have time to respond and express their concerns and inspirations. After reaching consensus regarding the Lord's Will (which I plan on being the goal of my future family counsels), they close the meeting with a prayer and then have pie or chocolate. I plan on doing this with my family too because If I close the counsel with a prayer, I am dedicating our commitment to His Will, and putting an end to it. And I plan on having pie, because nothing bonds people like eating pie together.

I think that this will be the best way to solve family conflict, or identify issues before they become problems.

Week 8- Family Crisis

This week in class we discussed the ABCX model in analyzing families when they go through crises. A is the actual event or stressor, B is Both resources and responses of the family members throughout the trial. C is cognitions, or what the family is thinking at the time. X is the total experience. I decided to apply this to my family's "rough patch". For A I put down the last few years, as we have just had thing after thing happen to us. Lawsuits, deaths, going through 4 vehicles in a matter of weeks (one of which was our uncles-which caught on fire, through no fault of our own) Loss of jobs, several health issues, appliances breaking down on us, severe storms, etc.  B was quite lengthy as well. My family had quite a few resources, I suppose our greatest was our Faith, and knowledge that there is a bigger picture, and though hard, our trials will eventually end, and we will be thankful for them. I also believe that our sense of humor and down to earth, do what needs to be done with a smile on your face mentality was a great resource to us. Other resources we had were family, close friends, and our strength as a family unit, our self-sufficient habits and skills (ability to cut our own firewood, can our own food, having a food storage). Our cognitions were diverse. I felt they were all fairly healthy. Granted, we did have our moments of doubt and frustration, but overall, we were looking to the future, looking for the steps that needed to be taken today, and laughing at all that had happened previously. When the truck caught on fire, my mom was laughing so hard she had to walk away so the State Patrol wouldn't see her tears. Plus, the cops usually don't like to see people laughing hysterically at the scene of an accident. I feel that based on all of these factors, our family's total experience was strengthened through these events.

I especially liked learning about the strengths and abilities that make a family grow closer through these trials and plan to employ them in my future family. I want to be able to survive a situation like that with my future husband and children. (Not to say I am wishing for a situation like that, I just want the skills that would help me survive.)

Week 7 Physical Intimacy

Well this week was a little awkward being in class, but it was actually good to know. We talked about the purpose of physical intimacy. we also talked about how often people don't prepare for it, and just assume things will all be wonderful as soon as they are married. People should talk about it towards the end of their engagement and reading "And They Are Not Ashamed" was suggested. Not together, but separately and in a well populated area (as to avoid any temptations that might be brought forth). What I found most curious though, was the cycle that Brother Williams brought up. Women tend to want a feeling of safety, security, and commitment before they will feel comfortable enough to become sexual. Men tend to become sexual to feel safety, security, and commitment. Realizing this, and keeping the other person's feelings in mind might make the intimacy a little easier in marriage.

Week 6- Marriage contracts

This week we talked a lot in class about how to best ensure that we have a happy and strong marriage. One such thing was to discuss each others roles during our engagement and courtship so we know what we are each doing, and there are no misunderstandings. This is something that I have always been encouraged to do by my parents, but something that I had never considered was how important it was for the marriage to include the dad in everything. Don't get me wrong, I had always planned on the dad being involved in everything, but I never knew how crucial it was to a marriage.

Often, when a child is born, mom will decide that it is her responsibility and ends up shutting out the dad. In order to avoid this, I pinky-swore to my neighbor that I would get my husband involved. I promised that I would let him talk to my stomach, no matter how weird I think it is. I promised I would let my husband feel the kicks, go to appointments with me, and go baby shopping with my husband. (That's shopping for baby things, not for the baby's themselves). I also promised that choosing the baby name would be a joint decision, and I would involve him in preparing for labor. We would jointly discuss our responsibilities and hopes for the future, both immediate and long term. I promised that the husband would take the night shift with the baby,  I would make sure that we had dates together both before and after the baby is born, even if it a candle light dinner of big macs. I will also make sure that I don't express criticism, rather love and appreciation. I would also make sure that dad is in the delivery room, no matter how uncomfortable he is there.

Week 5- Genogram

This past week I have been looking into my family. I chose to do the Genogram, that is, plot 4 generations of your family and then display the significant relationships between members. I was able to discover some really neat stuff. Like, for example, my great grandmother (my mom's dad's mom) grew up for a major part of her life in a convent in the Swiss Alps. She was sent there so that her family could afford to feed all the children. She was farmed out from the convent to live in atrocious living quarters, mostly in the attics or decrepit basements of the poorer families in the area. She acted as a maid, nanny, or whatever else the family needed from her. She wore rags and shoes that were several sizes too small. (Keep in mind this is in the Alps, so its not exactly balmy). I found this fascinating. It helped to explain to me why she worked so doggone hard her whole life. She worked on the farm till the day she died, in her late 90's. It also helped to explain to me why she valued hard work so much. After all, it was her hard work that got her to America, that country which she loved so much.

I also discovered that she and my great grandpa, Albert homesteaded in Montana, as they worked their way to Western Washington. She had to stay on the homestead 24/7 while Albert went off to look for work every day. In order to keep the homestead, there had to be someone on the property for x amount of time. So she patiently stayed on the same plot of land day after day, and would walk out to the edge of the property every day, to see if she could see any other person.

When I think of all that my great grandparents sacrificed so that my grandparents, parents, and my cousins and I could have the freedoms and blessings that we do in this country, I am awestruck. Knowing all that they endured, helps me to understand why my family holds certain values, and why we are the way we are. Knowing your personal family history is so important. It gives you a stronger sense of who you are, where you come from, and knowing your history can help you to improve your future.

Week 4- Gender Roles

This week we talked about how our gender roles affect our families. I found it fascinating. Thinking about how my family dynamics would change if I were of a different gender, and what defines me in my gender. We talked about typical gender roles, and how the most self sufficient people do typical gender tasks of both genders. I thought it was interesting that to become a well rounded female, you can't just learn to cook, clean, sew, care for children, etc. you also need to know how to mow the lawn, fix things, operate heavy machinery, etc.  

I found it particularly interesting applying this to the Family a Proclamation. Knowing that we have had our genders for eternity helped me to decipher which typical gender characteristics were divinely nurtured and which were societal influences. For example, that females are more caring and nurturing is Divinely nurtured. That men are more protective and have more of a tendency to lead is also Divinely nurtured. (Not that I am saying men are the head in the household, they only have presiding power. That is, guiding influence over the family. The parents should be a team)

It is also interesting to think how the gender roles of society often interfere with the gender roles of our Heavenly Father. Like if women spend so much time on their appearance and end up neglecting their children and family. Or if men become too focused on "manly endeavors" that they forget to provide for their families.

Satan has a way of twisting and perverting the things which God has ordained to make it so that they interfere with what God has planned for us.

Week 3- Social Class

     This week we talked about the effect social class has on families. I was surprised. It may be because my family has multiple classes within it, so I am used to all sorts of things. I enjoy sitting around a bonfire just as much as going to a black tie event. So I was surprised that so many attributed family values to social class.

     I feel that the class you are in really has little effect on your family values, what matters most is your community, who you associate with, who you spend the most time with, who your friends and family are. I feel that the values held by your community effects how successful your family is more than your social class.

     I feel the most crucial aspect whether or not your family makes it, is the level of dedication to money that you have. Money, more than anything, I feel has the potential to spiritually destroy families. This observation is drawn from the videos my class had to watch. It seemed that those to whom money mattered the most had harder family life, their values were skewed. This tended to be on both extremes of the scale, the upper and middle classes.

     Satan is really smart. He knows how to destroy one of the most important things we have, the family, through something we need for it to survive, that is, money. A family can survive without money, sure, but it cannot thrive. Everyone needs some money in order to function properly in this world. Satan knows that, and takes advantage, turning it into something people can get sucked into. That drive for money has destroyed nations, individuals, and, most tragically, entire families.

Week 2- Family Rules

This week in class we talked a little bit about the unspoken rules and boundaries that exist in families. As I reflected on this, I realized how much these unspoken rules affect us. In my family we had many unspoken rules, boundaries that you just didn't cross.

1. Respect and obey Gram (the matriarch and more importantly, the pie maker of the family), your parents, and the other adults in the family.
2. Never complain about a meal prepared for you, especially if there's pie afterwards. Everything is always good, anyways (well, a hot dog pizza is the exception).
3. Never sit back while others are working- especially if the cows or turkeys are out. No one can sit that out, even gram is out there helping (usually against everyone's advise, but she's out there)
4. Never sit down when there is work to be done.
5. Hug Gram when you walk in.
6. Never call your parent's by their first name.
7. The cousins will always be called my nicknames, except the youngest. (Miss, Mar, Court, K(or KK), Log, Curt, Mandy, and Jacob-the exception to the rule)-It's just weird when I get called by my full name, I feel like I must have done something wrong.
8. Always laugh at everybody's jokes, especially Dad's, even if it's just a pity laugh.
9. Always say hello when you come through the door.
10. Always stand and walk out guests and family (extended) leaving your house.
*11. When Gramps was still alive, you just NEVER mentioned the county. In fact, we still don't mention Politics to my dad.

These are just a few of the more obvious rules unspoken in my family, but whenever someone breaks one of those rules, the whole family (especially the kids) cringe and wait for the backlash.

Week 1- Why does it matter?

So, this week in my family relations class, we have been looking at statistics, and watched some videos today about the dangers of declining populations and fertility rates. In many countries the fertility rate is below population replacement. Which is bad. This leads to economic downfall and less resources than a booming population would. The current popular view of population is that less is more, when in actuality, the more people we have, the more resources, innovations, progress, GDP, and functionality we have as a society. However, the fertility rate in America is falling, with the average woman having an average of 2.06 children in her lifetime as of 2011.

So, you may ask yourselves, why does this matter? Well, it means inevitable collapse of social security as there are more retirees needing funds than there are workers to sustain them. It means loneliness as the trend of only children rises, leading to families with no aunts, uncles, or cousins. Which in turn, leads to dysfunctional societies, as less and less people learn to work with others through compromise. The housing market will crash, as less homes are needed to house the populous. There will be less progress, as less and less people feel the need to explore and innovate new ways to sustain a new generation, as this new generation can just have the leftovers of the old. There are less influences on children by siblings and peers, and more adult indulgence. There are less educated.

But, perhaps the single most important reason to have more children, is that, if you are not having as many children as the Lord needs, that spirit still needs to come to earth, which means SOMEONE ELSE IS RAISING YOUR CHILD. Do you trust a perfect stranger to raise your child? To instill in them the values and knowledge that you hold so dear? They are no longer coming to the home that would best help them mature into who they are.

As the world puts less and less value on children and family, we, as a society need to cling to those things which are most important. The worth of children and family goes far beyond our personal development, and enters into the secular, affecting the world's economy and future in ways that many do not realize. With the fall of the family comes the fall of the world. I fear that we often ignore or forget the importance and sacred nature of the family which leads to much more devastating effects than us being lonely. We have condemned spirit children to go where they were not meant to go. They miss out on the environment best suited to their development and maturity, and we miss out on their influence over us.

So why does this matter?

Welcome!

Faml 160 - Family Relations